Life

It’s not uncommon for me to send emails to our school secretary as a way of venting frustrations or emotions.  She’s a good friend in that aspect, being a good listener and all.  Yesterday’s email would trigger events that could change things.

The day BEFORE yesterday I was, as a girl named Anne would have put it, “in the depths of despair”, and my mindset had honestly reached a point of lacking a desire to be alive.  I expressed this in yesterday’s email.  They key trigger, however, was that I used the word “suicidal” in the email.

A few minutes later, I received an email from my boss, asking me to visit her in the office so that we can talk because she is very concerned for me.  I replied, saying that I didn’t want to talk if that was okay with her.  She said it was okay.

Lunchtime came.  I was alone in the room and chatting online with someone when the next thing I know a school district psychologist (who I know) walks in, accompanied by a police officer.  They grab a couple of chairs and sit down and begin to talk to me.  I don’t think I need to tell you why.  Shortly afterward, another officer showed up.

I was very embarrassed.  I think “humiliated” may be a good word to describe it.   Even typing this blog is difficult.  We spoke for a while, and then the officer asked me if I would be willing to go with them down to the mental health office to talk to someone.  They were very cool about it, and not forceful about anything, but since I am more perceptive than most, I could tell I didn’t have a choice in the matter.  Actually, I did have a choice.  I could just go down there casually as a passenger, or I could go in handcuffs in the back of the car.  I chose option A.

I sent a message to Lisa and she met us down there.  I am glad she was with me for this because the whole thing was so surreal.  I was greeted by the officer when we got there, who asked me to fill out some form, and then he left.  Keep in mind that during this whole thing, he was very kind and often reminded me that he was there for me, and that if there is anything that I needed I can let him know.  The psychologist sat next to me in the lobby as I filled out the form.  Actually it was after I finished that form that Lisa showed up, just in time for me to go in to speak with the therapist or whatever you want to call her.  The therapist was very good and asked all the right questions, getting important information and actually giving me a few insights as well, such as possible causes and cures for my depression.  It was concluded that a healthy combination of the right medication AND good spiritual (Christian) counseling would yield the best results.  We walked out of there with a list of psychiatrists that supposedly are covered under my insurance.

I took the rest of the day off.

The whole situation changed something in me.  It made me realize that perhaps I have been overreacting.  Being confronted in such a manner forced my mind to contradict itself.  I have been so focused on myself and my own little pity party, and thinking about how horrible things are for me.  When approached by psychologists and police like this, it forced my brain to think “you guys are wasting your time because I’m not in that bad of shape… i mean, I am, but… wait… no… my life sucks, but actually it’s not that bad… wait.. no.. WAIT!… huh?…”

It’s like playing a game against a computer and getting it to the point where it has no winning move, and anything it does results in a loss, and it just shuts down.  That’s me.  I was cornered and out of options.  I had no choice but to just shut down, and step outside of myself.  I really don’t have it bad at all.  I’ve got a wonderful wife that loves me and makes my lunch every day.  I have a cozy little place I can call home.  I have a stable job with great benefits and a schedule that lets me have all kinds of holidays off (I just had a week off for Thanksgiving and I’ll get 2 weeks off for Christmas, for example).  I have a wonderful family that is always there for me.  I have a brilliant mind and can outsmart most of you (not to sound conceited, but it’s true, right?).

In conclusion, I think this is the start of a new era.  I’m not sure what happens next, but I think the key factor here is that I am hopeful for it.

[listening to The Echoing Green - December]