…and then some

Equilibrium


This move has completely thrown off my equilibrium. I’m spending the day in bed because I’m ultra-depressed. I can’t handle this. I’m not myself at all. I don’t feel “free” at all. I’m afraid to go out. My friends are out having a good time and I can’t bring myself to join them. I already didn’t feel much like part of the world and now I feel even less like it.

My saturday is wasting away. I have all the time in the world and I don’t even want to go outside, even though the weather is lovely. I’m practically afraid of my own shadow. I hate this.

I really, really hate this. A lot.

I don’t think there is anybody out there that understands how this is affecting me. I want to die. Seriously. If this is life then I want no part of it. I hate my life. I hate myself, and who knows, maybe I hate you too, whoever you are.

I’m just really upset. The more someone tries to give me any kind of “advice” or “encouragement”, the worse I feel. It’s like, the more light that shines on my path, the less I can see. Nothing helps. I hate this.

Hate is such a strong word, I know.

I know I need to turn to God but something is preventing me. I’m afraid… of… something. I honestly don’t know what it is.

I hate this so much. I want to go home… I don’t have a home any more. This isn’t home. This is just a room with some of my stuff in it. This isn’t freedom. This is prison. I feel less free here than I did at my parents’ place.

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