…and then some


Years ago I was part of a small church.  Very small.  Maybe 20 members.  It was like a family to me.  We would worship together, and I could feel the power of God in the most amazing ways.

Then my heart was broken.  That family abandoned me.  I have not felt God the same way since.

Since then I have found it exceedingly difficult to fit in anywhere.  No church or church-related activity has ever allowed me to feel God the way I did back then.  I’ve never felt welcome in any small groups.  I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere.

Growing up I’ve always been the outcast.  I’ve been the dorky, nerdy kid in class all the other kids would torment and pick on.  I’ve never fit in anywhere.  Those who claimed to be my friends would often take advantage of me and my kindness.  I’ve always been the quiet, humble one, and it has only brought me heartache.

I really feel that God has turned his back on me now.  I feel like I’m that kid in school being picked on by the world, and God is the adult standing nearby that refuses to step in and do anything about it… perhaps waiting for me to stand up for myself or something.  I don’t know.

I say “i feel” a lot, but the truth is, I’m so confused lately, I don’t know what I feel.

A fly just landed on the top of my computer monitor.   That fly probably serves more purpose in this world in the few days it may live than I do with all the years I have wasted.

One response

  1. Johnny Look

    That fly surely doesn’t serves more purpose in this world than you, it’s just a tiny insect whose only purpose is to annoy people and eat crap. Even though I don’t know you personally, I can say for sure that you are lot better than that fly, and be proud of it because not every human being can say the same about themselves. In my life I met a lot of people whose life is only that, eating crap and annoying other people. Like those who picked with you when you were a kid or those hypocrites at the church using you and probably others like chewing gum, only caring about it while it still has the taste and then spitting it out when it’s starts wearing off.
    Friends come and go, but true friends will be there for your forever. Those were obviously not true friends, so you shouldn’t care about them.
    Also, you should know that most people who go to church are nothing more than sad hypocrites who just want to book their seat in heaven and feel better about themselves, without giving a fuck about the principles of the bible, or the feelings of everyone around.

    I know you feel down at the moment, personally I’ve been through it recently too, I know how it is to feel like shit. Now I’m a happy dude, and I’ve got through all the problems I thought would never solve.

    Did you try charity ? I donate old clothes and sometimes money from time to time, it helps me feel quite very good, and sometimes he’s enough to have a great day.

    Good luck dude ! :)

    October 21, 2009 at 1:39 am

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