…and then some

Subject? I guess this is a short bit about how I became the way I am today…

The “let go” attitude is how bitterness and anger entered my heart. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. Allow me to explain. I used to be the most lovable, kind, and silly person ever. I couldn’t hurt anybody. It just wasn’t in me to be mean or rude. I was humble and gentle, and spoke soft words. I was super generous and was often a pushover. I valued friendship so much I would defend any relationship until I was too weary to talk. Sure I did some stupid things, but overall I was simply a nerdy kid that loved the things around him. Then I got hurt… BADLY. Worst heartache I’ve ever experienced. I prayed day and night, begging God to do something. Through the whole experience, I gained the strength to let go, but only by a hardening of my heart. I became a calloused soul, cut off from the old self and giving reign to a new self, fueled by pain. Over time I began to enjoy how easy it was to cut people out of my life. I began to see people as optional. Relationships no longer became vital to my survival, and if you displeased me in any way I could easily say “good bye” and never speak to you again. As people became more expendable to me, what i said do them mattered less and less. If I said something mean or rude, I was usually sorry for it, but not as sorry as I should have been. Humility became a thing of the past and I wanted to take more control and do things my way. I simply began to care less and less and the gap between me and other people began to grow… This is the short version… the VERY short version. This had become the answer to my prayers. I prayed, and I prayed, and this is the “out” God provided. It was never a conscious decision, even though my actions were mostly conscious… So, when I say that I don’t know how to give my problems to God, perhaps now you can understand why, because the last time I tried, I became a monster. Oh, and you know how much I seem to hate the world now? I’m always complaining about stupid people and I’m always correcting people and whenever I open my eyes or ears I seem to observe some kind of retarded, foolish behavior that makes me so angry… that never happened before. Such things simply never got to me. It’s as if I didn’t notice. Now I cannot avoid it. I notice it all of the time, and it puts me in a rage, and I cannot seem to control it.

One response

  1. Jennifer

    Thanks for the perspective. I’m not sure that God’s will was for it to get as far as it did, and sometimes being jaded can seem a blessing at first. We just need to try our darnedest to re-soften our hearts once they harden. It’s painful at first, for sure, but it’s worth it if we want to make any kind of impact on people. Well, I suppose one could make an impact on people as a jerk or something, but that’s not the impact most people would like to make on others. Most people want to be remembered and loved. :)

    March 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm

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