…and then some

The Rage


I’m so angry… I’m shaky.   Sometimes…. I… I don’t know.

Time and time again people who call themselves friends are proving to me that they cannot be trusted.  People who act like friends for so long and then turn on me like rabid dogs.  I’m not afraid to say that so many of you out there just go on with your own lives with such a nonchalant view of “friendship” and just let the chips fall where they may.   “Friendship”… what does it mean any more?  Nobody seems to know.

People wonder why I’m so negative sometimes.  I’m the product of my surroundings.  I feel like I can’t trust anybody.  I trust people, but I can’t help the feeling that I’m just gonna wind up being let down constantly for the rest of my life.

Moments like this make me think about Matt, and I don’t like thinking about Matt.  I don’t like thinking about all of the good times we had and his friendly facade followed by his complete abandonment.  I wish I could wipe him from my memory completely, along with several others in my past who have had the insulting audacity to call me a friend.

I’m so angry right now I want to beat the crap out of someone.  I want to cause pain and suffering to those who have brought it to me.  I want to bring torment to those who have betrayed me.

I am a vengeful heart.

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One response

  1. Jenn

    I hope you feel better soon. I haven’t dealt with rage for a while, but I had a mini-bout with depression just yesterday. I feel better now (thankfully) and I hope you do too. I have shared your idea about friendship and how noncommittal it is nowadays. It seems that there are many things that fall under the category of noncommittal… but I think that if we take the time to show something better (like how you supported my blog even though you can’t stand blogspot) people will notice and be grateful. Not everyone has been through the same experiences, and I think that some people may not weigh details about life quite the same as you or I might.

    I’ve learned that people can love and encourage even without doing it quite the way I would choose, and that’s OK with me now. I still have times where I struggle with feeling “unloved” or “unappreciated” but I know that in those times, I need to hold on to what I know rather than what I feel. I know my family loves me – my husband and daughter(s), parents, siblings… I know my friends love me. They might not always express it the way I would choose, but they do express it in the little things. Cam wrote me maybe a few poems in our life together (far between), but he makes me cars on Fourza Motorsports that reflect my favorite things, and he insists I take the day off work when I’m not feeling well. Those things show me his love. It took me a long time (almost 5 years!) to realize it, but I’m OK with him loving me in his own way. Some friends are the same way… they might not contact me but once in a blue moon, but that means the world to me when it happens. :)

    February 16, 2011 at 3:44 pm

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