…and then some

It’s coming back

I’m starting to face a really big problem.  Despite my attempts to focus on positive ideas and maintain healthy social circles, my moral is dropping at an incredible rate.

Feelings that have been overwhelming me are things like:

  • People (most people) don’t care about me
  • I am not interesting or entertaining in any way
  • I’ll never be the fun guy I was before a particular “ex” ruined my life
  • I’ll never be able to fit in at church
  • I have my own house but never get any privacy

There are others, too, but they’re more personal and I don’t care to share them here.

Amidst the shadows is a small hint of light, though, as I have been losing weight gradually and have not let any discouragement keep me from continuing down that path.  So that’s at least one good thing.

So let me add a little to the items above.

People don’t care about me.  Yeah, I know I have friends that love me, but for the most part I don’t feel like I’m really a big deal to anyone.  This and the 2nd feeling kinda go together.  I don’t feel like people are interested in me or entertained by me at all.  Part of this is because I have been making a point to post video logs so that my friends can keep up with the things that happen in my life… but what a waste of time that is.  Nobody watches them.  Just recently I told a friend I was going to stop posting vlogs, and he asked why.  I then asked “Well which was the last one you saw?”, to which he replied “I dunno, I barely ever watch them.”

It’s not that I blame anyone, either.  I’m boring.  Who wants to listen to some loser ramble about what he did that day and every day?  I get it.  It’s not entertaining.

So that brings us to the next item on the list.  I’ll never be the fun guy I used to be.  I think I was a lot more fun and less inhibited than I am now.  I didn’t care much about written mistakes unless I was writing something important.  I joked and laughed a lot more, and I was generally more happy-go-lucky in character.  Now I’m more cynical, picky, and serious about almost everything I encounter.  Oh, you made a joke?  “Well you left out a period”.  Oh, hey, someone posted a picture of a ‘spider’ they found.  “Yeah well technically it’s not a spider, and they need to know that.”

What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I have fun socializing any more?  Why am I so uptight about everything?

Ahhhh, fitting in at church.  I was raised in a Christian home and have pretty much always attended church on a weekly basis.  I saw how churches were so segregated and how it even brought about rivalry in some cases.  Based on these observations and other things, I have always had really negative feelings toward “church membership”.  I never believed that I should have to become an “official church member” anywhere.  Well, there have been times when I have had some interest in helping out or getting involved in the church I currently go to, but in the few small cases that I have brought it up to someone, I’ve pretty much been ignored.  The church I attend is really big on membership, and I would have to become a member in order to get involved with anything.  For example, working with the youth.  That’s something that I would love to do and I think I could help out a lot… but since I’m not a member, I’m invisible.  Granted, I understand they can’t just let anybody off the street work with their kids.  That’s a safety issue.  I understand.  Still, though… I’ve been going there for years (off and on, at least) and just don’t get that feeling of being very…. ‘wanted’.

Privacy.  Privacy is a big issue for me.  I absolutely must have privacy.  If I could I would build up huge, 10 foot brick walls around my property.  While I enjoy being social, there are many times in which I just want to be completely alone and unseen.  Sharing a house with two other people has made this nearly impossible.  I suppose one of them doesn’t really count in this context because she is my wife, and while I still need my own time to be completely alone, she isn’t really a privacy concern.  On the other hand, David lives here, too.  I don’t dislike David, but just having someone else living in the house makes it almost impossible for me to have any time all alone.

Okay, so this may be TMI for some people, but I’d like to have the freedom to walk around the house in my underwear, or even just without a shirt, or even naked, honestly.  It’s MY home, after all.  Truthfully, I don’t see anything strange about being naked in your own home.  Anyway, that’s not the point, though.  The point is, I don’t have that freedom any more.  Even if nobody is home, I don’t know when they will be.  What if it’s a hot day and I just want to sit in my underwear and play Call of Duty in the living room?  Shouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve no idea when David will walk in the door.

Anyway, there’s a slight chance David might end up reading this, so I ought to say that this doesn’t mean I want or need him to move out.  I don’t really have a problem with him being here.  I’m just ranting.

Still, though… there are times like right now… he has a tutor over here helping him with his math.  No big deal.  I’m glad he’s taking an initiative to improve his studies.  On the other hand, I am hungry and I want to go to the kitchen and fix up something to eat, but I don’t want to be around people, particularly strangers, so I’m pretty much hiding out in my computer room right now.

I dunno… about all this stuff… so much goes on in my mind and I just don’t know what to do about it.  I really don’t want to fall into depression again…


2 responses

  1. Living in a home with roomates is a tough, privacy issue. I have been there and know what you mean. As far as fitting in at a church; I have been to many different churches and most are the same. They do want you to be a member to be involved in a ministry or program, i’m not sure i understand why. However, I strongly believe that if God wants you in a position to help in a ministry, He will open the doors and clear the path for you. This is a good thing that you can aknowledge and verbalize, or write out what you are thinking and feeling. I worked in the Mental Health and Special Education firelds for nearly 10 years and most of of the time the patients and students could not verbalize what was going on, even the mild cases. I think it’s a good thing that you continue to write about this and talk to people. It’s not a fix but it’s a step in the right direction. I am praying for you, as i often do.

    August 12, 2011 at 10:15 am

  2. Thanks.

    August 12, 2011 at 2:39 pm

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