Years ago I was part of a small church. Very small. Maybe 20 members. It was like a family to me. We would worship together, and I could feel the power of God in the most amazing ways.
Then my heart was broken. That family abandoned me. I have not felt God the same way since.
Since then I have found it exceedingly difficult to fit in anywhere. No church or church-related activity has ever allowed me to feel God the way I did back then. I’ve never felt welcome in any small groups. I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere.
Growing up I’ve always been the outcast. I’ve been the dorky, nerdy kid in class all the other kids would torment and pick on. I’ve never fit in anywhere. Those who claimed to be my friends would often take advantage of me and my kindness. I’ve always been the quiet, humble one, and it has only brought me heartache.
I really feel that God has turned his back on me now. I feel like I’m that kid in school being picked on by the world, and God is the adult standing nearby that refuses to step in and do anything about it… perhaps waiting for me to stand up for myself or something. I don’t know.
I say “i feel” a lot, but the truth is, I’m so confused lately, I don’t know what I feel.
A fly just landed on the top of my computer monitor. That fly probably serves more purpose in this world in the few days it may live than I do with all the years I have wasted.