This has been on my mind and I just want to get it out there. I’m just going to get real.
If you’re my friend and I say something to you that you find to be insulting or offensive, before you go crazy on me get all butthurt, you need to consider something. I would never do such a thing intentionally. It’s very likely that you either misunderstood or misinterpreted what I had said. It may also be possible that I really didn’t think such a thing would not offend you.
So remember, if I say something that hurts you in some way, you should just let me know. Give me a chance to either explain what I REALLY meant, or the opportunity to simply apologize. If you can’t do this, then you’re not a good friend. It’s as simple as that.
You’re my friend. I would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt you. I can’t tell you how many times I have been hurt by my own friends because they take things that I say, twist them all around, get offended and angry and start sending their own harsh words my way. I make mistakes and I sometimes say things that may come out wrong. Guess what. So do you… and so does he, and her, and them, and everybody.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to be a friend… a true friend. I’ve had life lessons about such a thing. What about you? Some of you are great friends, but honestly I think a lot of people seriously need to get things straight.
I’ve learned to love, cherish, and protect my friends, but I will not waste my time and energy on people who will walk on me, even if they call themselves friends.
I’ll end with this. There’s a saying that says to choose your friends wisely. It sounds like good advice, but the truth is, we don’t choose our friends. Our friends choose us. Our friends choose us by showing us that they care through their actions as well as words. We cannot choose who our friends are. We can only choose who we are a friend to. Who will you choose to be a friend to? How will you show it?
I’m really not sure what the subject of this blog post is supposed to imply. It’s really random.
I unhid most of my facebook friends a few minutes ago. Yes, I know ‘unhid’ isn’t a real world word. Anyway, I consider my Facebook homepage / news feed to be MY little section of the internet and every once in a while a friend will begin to post things that really bother me in one way or another. It could be profanity, or it could simply be something I don’t agree with and certainly don’t want to argue about. Seeing these things really stresses me out, believe it or not. Well, they’re not going to stop just because of me, but they’re still people that have some importance to me so I don’t want to block or delete them. In such cases, I simply hide their posts from ever appearing in my news feed. In fact, if you’ve not gotten any comments from me on anything you’ve posted for a while, then you’ve probably been hidden. I generally comment on a lot of things. It’s what I do.
I’ve realized that only a few good people are compatible with my neurotic personality. It’s probably why I have so few facebook friends.
Ah, I just got an email…
…meh, it was just junk.
I really don’t know what else to say right now. Thanks for reading. Bye.
If I were to choose one word to describe the overall theme of today, it would probably be “discouragement”. I just feel downright discouraged. You could ask me why, but I don’t think I’d have a good answer.
I generally have a lot of negative energy to expel and I know that I can’t do it a lot on Facebook. It becomes too overwhelming for my “friends” on there. Since I keep a blog, this would be the appropriate place to do it. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to write a blog unless I know people are going to read it. It is for this reason I was never able to keep a private journal… to me, it was pointless to write to myself.
Knowing people read my blog entries would encourage me to continue to put effort into writing them, which would in turn give me a more accessible avenue for venting out those negative energies. That being said, one way to know that people read my blogs is to get feedback. That’s where you come in. Thanks in advance.
If you’re reading this as a Note on Facebook, keep in mind that I don’t write “Notes” on Facebook and that the source of this blog is actually WordPress.
I’m probably going to start blogging a lot from here on out.
So who reads my blogs anyway? If nobody reads my blogs, then why do I take the time to type them out? It’s just a waste. Yeah, I suppose I could look back on these years from now and appreciate that I wrote them, but other than that… useless.
I know these get fed through to my Facebook account, so some of my FB friends will see them… but I bet none of them ever visit my actual blog… I guess they wouldn’t see much reason to…
Don’t worry. This blog has nothing to do with the movie (or the book).
It’s nice to find that I have a few new readers of my blog now that I’ve recruited a larger number of FB friends. For those of you who read my “Notes” on FB, the actual location of my blog is https://vertigoelectric.wordpress.com. Thanks for reading.
It’s also nice to see that people care. It’s something I often take for granted, as I wander aimlessly through my every day life. It’s true that I have had suicidal thoughts, even today. On one hand, I don’t truly believe I would ever actually deliberately end my own life. On the other hand, I become so miserable and hopeless, I don’t see anything to look forward to.
On a slightly lighter note, I want to make something clear now that I know I have new readers for my blog. You’ll notice blog posts with subjects that contain a date exactly for years older than the date they are posted. Let me explain briefly. Years ago I kept a blog on myspace. I updated it regularly, and often. After a while, I began saving these blogs to individual files on my own server. I eventually managed to save them and store them in a safe archive. I did this because I did not want to risk losing them, as I have had a myspace account deleted before without any warning. Near the beginning of November (last month), I noticed that the oldest myspace blog that I had successfully archived was dated November 10, 2005. With the 10th of November coming up soon, I decided it would be interesting to RE-post these old myspace blogs on the exact date they were originally written, but 4 years later. So, I have been doing exactly that. You can easily identify these re-posted blogs by the dates in the subjects.
These blogs help me reflect, and they are also a way of sharing with you, my friends, some of the events passed. It will help you understand me better, if you have any desire to do so.
I haven’t been posting EVERY SINGLE blog, as some of them are as short as a single sentence, though I may begin to post the short ones as well. If you’d like to look through the archive yourself, please feel free to do so. The link is here: http://www.vertigofx.com/myspace/_blogs/archive/
I will go to bed now.
PS: Let me also add a disclaimer. Some of my old blogs from years ago contain bad language. It wasn’t often, but it is there.
Today is day 12 on Paxil. Lisa says she’s noticing a difference, outwardly. She says that I still get irritated but I get over it much more quickly, and she also seems to think it has improved my overall sociability. It’s hard for me to tell from inside.
My stomach hurts this morning. I don’t know if it’s something I ate or if it’s the medicine, or just something else completely. I had a bowl of frosted shredded wheat cereal and some orange juice. That’s not bad at all.
My restroom experiences have been more frequent since I started taking the Paxil. Additionally, my poop has been more broken up and not very solid. Too much info? You’ll live.
I did something completely unprecedented a few days ago. I am normally extremely picky about who I have as friends on facebook. I only had a small handful of them. However, I decided to go out on a limb and just add a ton of people from my “suggestions” page. These are not exactly random people. I may not know them, but apparently they are friends OF friends and facebook suggests that I add them, so I obliged this time around. My number of facebook friends doubled within 24 hours. Haha…
I’m missing church right now because I’m not feeling well… I don’t like missing church. I will be reading James chapter 2 today since I am staying home.
In my life there are a lot of people, or rather, I should say, in my past, that, over time, I have either lost touch with or, maybe even, burned bridges with, to an extent.
Wow. That sentence has way too many commas.
Anyway, I was drivin’ down the street yesterday, and I drove past someone that looked like it could have been someone I used to chat online with but never met in person. I’ve seen her picture, though, so that’s how I thought of it. I then thought about maybe seeing if I could get back in touch with some of the old friends I used to have. Not necessarily that person I drove by, but just anyody. We’re talking about people that maybe I went to school with, or church with. People that have kinda faded.
I realized, though, that I didn’t need that, and not only did I not need it, I didn’t really want it, to be honest. I didn’t necessarily have a terrible past. Sure, I’ve suffered through a few bad things, but they were generally fairly isolated situations. The people I’m talking about aren’t necessarily people that were involved with any part of my unhappy history. Still, though, they are people of my past and that’s not really someplace that I need to be any more.
The timeline of my life is less like chapters of a book and more like islands in the sea. With chapters, you can look back on things you want to reconnect with and bring up parts of history that have been all but forgotten. Such is not so with my life. Using the analogy of islands, each island is a stage in my life, and as I move on to the next stage, I leave the island behind, never to return. I used to spend a lot of emotional and even physical energy trying to build bridges to some of the islands of my past, and more often than not it did nothing but hinder the process of moving forward. I don’t need to build those bridges. The people I left behind on those islands, if they were not with me when I moved on, then they will remain there. I have friends who travel with me, like my best friends Matt and James and Corinne. These are people who will always be with me regardless. I even have old friends from islands long past that may not have really walked with me to the next island, but I don’t consider them stuck in the past. It’s like they have boats and they are still with me… still a part of my life that I don’t feel the need to let go of. These are friends that I have that I may not really talk to much any more, but still a friend nonetheless. Generally, however, these are also people that have absolutely no affiliation or association with the events that drove me to leave that island in the first place.
I don’t know if I’m making a lot of sense, but it’s my blog so I don’t really have to make sense anyway. Just go back a few posts and read “Brainstream”. That didn’t make sense at all.
A time came in my life when I grew the psychological and emotional strength and willpower to turn away the temptation to build bridges to the past. Along with this came the strength to let go of those that I feel have, for lack of better terms, expired their association with me. I’m not sure I really want to go into trying to explain what I mean by all of this, so I’m going to bring this entry to a close.