I’m so angry… I’m shaky. Sometimes…. I… I don’t know.
Time and time again people who call themselves friends are proving to me that they cannot be trusted. People who act like friends for so long and then turn on me like rabid dogs. I’m not afraid to say that so many of you out there just go on with your own lives with such a nonchalant view of “friendship” and just let the chips fall where they may. “Friendship”… what does it mean any more? Nobody seems to know.
People wonder why I’m so negative sometimes. I’m the product of my surroundings. I feel like I can’t trust anybody. I trust people, but I can’t help the feeling that I’m just gonna wind up being let down constantly for the rest of my life.
Moments like this make me think about Matt, and I don’t like thinking about Matt. I don’t like thinking about all of the good times we had and his friendly facade followed by his complete abandonment. I wish I could wipe him from my memory completely, along with several others in my past who have had the insulting audacity to call me a friend.
I’m so angry right now I want to beat the crap out of someone. I want to cause pain and suffering to those who have brought it to me. I want to bring torment to those who have betrayed me.
I am a vengeful heart.
I was on the computer and Matt called. As you may or may not know, we haven’t spoken in a while and our final words exchanged weren’t the best. We spoke for an hour and forty minutes, and it was an emotional conversation. We talked a lot about God.
I love Matt. I love him more than I can ever express my love for another man, and not in a homosexual way, you perverts. Matt is my best friend, my brother in Christ, and may just as well be my brother in blood because he means that much to me. I am glad we have reunited.
Listening to his testimony was a true blessing. Just seeing how God has worked in his life didn’t just tug at my heartstrings. It yanked on them like the hunchback of Notre Dame ringin’ the town bell. I didn’t cry, but I might as well have.
I have several friends who have been encouraging me to pray and give everything up to God and get into the Word, but even with all of that, nothing seemed real enough for me, or tangible enough. It took my brother Matt to truly make a significant impact.
We plan on meeting up tonight so we can pray together, and it is at that time I plan to rededicate my life to Jesus Christ, and be done with this nonsense oppression for good.
My brother is back. It’s time to celebrate.
…I figure I’ll post a blog. Got to see matt finally. YAY! Miss my best friend so much. He’s actually here now, as he often just crashes on our couch when he comes to visit late in the evenings.
Tomorrow we have a minimum day, then I’m off on Wednesday. Totally stoked about that. Yes, I said “stoked”. I’ll try to make some funny videos during my day off.
Speaking of funny videos, I uploaded a video to YouTube that I found… one I made a very long time ago. I was lip syncing to a song. Normally it would be very embarassing because I am such a dork in the vid, but I uploaded it anyway. YouTube, however, disabled the audio because of its stupid copyright detection crap. Why are copyright laws so lame?
Well, I’m off to bed. I’m up later than I ought to be anyway.
Well, it’s after midnight and I really oughtta be in bed. In fact, I’m headed there right now, but I wanted to fit in a quick blog first.
“Tomorrow” after work I’m supposed to meet up with Matt (my best man) and we’re supposed to go look at tuxes. He better not bail on me, either. This is kinda important. We’ve all been offered free tuxes for my wedding and we need to at least do our part and be as punctual as possible to make things easier for the people involved.
Cristina wants to meet us there as well, which really helps a lot because, to be totally honest, I’m really not sure what I need to do or say. Meh…
So, last night, when I was at Matt’s, we were leaving to go to Target and as i walked out the door I noticed my shades were on top of the TV. “We’re coming back, and I’ll grab them then”, I said to myself. He even said “hey, you want your shades?”, and I shrugged it off because I wanted to hurry out the door.
Long story short, I don’t have my shades today. Yeah… I left them. I had a very strong feeling at that moment when I had the opportunity to put them in my car that I really should have, but I did not. All hail the village idiot, eh?
In case you didn’t know, my shades are quite important to me. I consider my eyes fairly sensitive and on really bright, cloudless days like today, they’re practically vital for survival (okay maybe that’s a slight exaggeration). I’ll have to get them from him later, I guess. Oh well… this will encourage me to stay in after work and take a nap instead of going out somewhere. I do need a nap…