Pain, panic, stress, dizziness, trouble breathing, anxiety, nervousness…
These are all things that I would have been feeling if I were David last night when I had to drive him to the ER around midnight. Oh, did you think I was there because of me? Oh, no no no… I’m okay. It’s my friend David. Turns out he’s got some pneumonia kickin’ it old school in his lungs.
I know I’m making light of the subject, but it’s only because I know he’ll be okay. He’s miserable as all get out (what the heck does that mean, anyway?), but he’ll live. We were there for over two hours, though, and most of it was spent waiting. If there’s one thing I know about this kind of waiting, it’s that anxiety sets in like a mother. I’m just glad I could be there by his side through the whole thing… it was almost bromantic. Okay, not really. I’M NOT GAY! You shut up.
I’m so angry… I’m shaky. Sometimes…. I… I don’t know.
Time and time again people who call themselves friends are proving to me that they cannot be trusted. People who act like friends for so long and then turn on me like rabid dogs. I’m not afraid to say that so many of you out there just go on with your own lives with such a nonchalant view of “friendship” and just let the chips fall where they may. “Friendship”… what does it mean any more? Nobody seems to know.
People wonder why I’m so negative sometimes. I’m the product of my surroundings. I feel like I can’t trust anybody. I trust people, but I can’t help the feeling that I’m just gonna wind up being let down constantly for the rest of my life.
Moments like this make me think about Matt, and I don’t like thinking about Matt. I don’t like thinking about all of the good times we had and his friendly facade followed by his complete abandonment. I wish I could wipe him from my memory completely, along with several others in my past who have had the insulting audacity to call me a friend.
I’m so angry right now I want to beat the crap out of someone. I want to cause pain and suffering to those who have brought it to me. I want to bring torment to those who have betrayed me.
I am a vengeful heart.
Today I have decided to take a break from Fangame. I think not having the project to deal with is going to free up a lot of time and give me much less to stress about. Once I am in a more mentally and spiritually healthy state (and I don’t mean Oregon), then I’ll continue the game.
My back is still really hurting.
Lisa has called and made an appointment for me to visit the doctor next week…. not for my back. It’s for the depression. I guess we’re going to try shoving drugs into my system. Yay for giving in.
I have one last class today, some first graders, and then I get to go home. It’s already a quarter ’til three so they won’t be in here very long…
When I get home, I really should take a nap. I planned that yesterday, and remember, it didn’t happen. Though, the fangame break should make a difference this time around. I’ll have less to distract me.
On a side note, I would like to do some more YouTube worthy activities… maybe make some funny videos or do some kind of reviews… We’ll see. If you have ideas for things I can do and post on YouTube, leave a comment and tell me.