I’m so angry… I’m shaky. Sometimes…. I… I don’t know.
Time and time again people who call themselves friends are proving to me that they cannot be trusted. People who act like friends for so long and then turn on me like rabid dogs. I’m not afraid to say that so many of you out there just go on with your own lives with such a nonchalant view of “friendship” and just let the chips fall where they may. “Friendship”… what does it mean any more? Nobody seems to know.
People wonder why I’m so negative sometimes. I’m the product of my surroundings. I feel like I can’t trust anybody. I trust people, but I can’t help the feeling that I’m just gonna wind up being let down constantly for the rest of my life.
Moments like this make me think about Matt, and I don’t like thinking about Matt. I don’t like thinking about all of the good times we had and his friendly facade followed by his complete abandonment. I wish I could wipe him from my memory completely, along with several others in my past who have had the insulting audacity to call me a friend.
I’m so angry right now I want to beat the crap out of someone. I want to cause pain and suffering to those who have brought it to me. I want to bring torment to those who have betrayed me.
I am a vengeful heart.
As some of you may already know, I’ve been suffering from depression for some time now. Certain days it seems lighter, and other days it seems unbearable. Lately, especially after becoming ill, I have noticed that it is beginning to affect my performance at work. With the passing of each day i care less and less about more and more.
I really don’t know how to explain it with any more detail. The psyche of it all fluctuates throughout the day. I could explain more specifically how I feel but that may change by the time you read this.
Part of me is tired and scared. Another part of me just doesn’t care.