…and then some

Posts tagged “god

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G i f t   E x c h a n g e

Yesterday the sun shone bright
Upon my face, and at the sight
I found myself alone to be
Encompassed by a misery

A feeling here, a feeling gone.
With borders sure as right and wrong
I lay my frozen heart aside
To live the life my mind hath lied.

Today the sun shines not upon
This face that bears that which is gone,
Yet light from that which calms the soul
Shall warm my heart and make it whole.

I take these hands that dig my grave
And lift my mind, the blinded slave.
I leave it at a throne of grace;
A withered heart to take its place.

Tomorrow, though be yet to come,
Stories love can tell us from.
Be them dreams, or lifeless tales,
To God, my life, my life that fails.

A man within, a man without.
A man with all that he can doubt.
‘Tis I, no less than he alone,
The man that falleth short the throne.

-Ron Maxwell

note:  I wrote this poem many years ago

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Day 10,302

I haven’t read any scripture yet today, but I will definitely do so when I get to work.  I think I noticed today’s passages are from Haggai.  I’ll let you know what I get from them.  I never got much from yesterday’s readings.  I hope God will show me something this time.

Last night I vented to Lisa like never before.  No, it was nothing directed at her.  It was a great outlet though, I think.  I went on about how I don’t feel like God loves me, and that I just wish he would show himself or do something in my life that would be some kind of sign to me that he is here.  My brain reminds me that he loves me, and that he’s here, but the point is that I don’t feel it.  I also went on about other things and really “stuck it to the man”, I guess one might say.  I really hope God was listening.  It was mostly directed at him.  Think of it as cries of desperation… without the actual crying.

I’m going to try to keep the ‘bad news’ and ‘complaints’ to a minimum today.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that all day but I’ll try.  If something really ridiculous comes up, I’ll have no choice but to blog about it.

If you’re reading this through my Facebook, be sure to check out that Metallicats video I favorited on YouTube.  Should show on my FB wall.  It’s really great in a very dorky way.  In fact, you should watch all of the videos that I favorite.  I favorite them for a reason!  If you think they are stupid or funny or boring or whatever, leave a comment and tell me.  They’re not my videos, but I still want to know your thoughts.

Well I better go get ready for work.  I’ve been leaving for work a little earlier each day lately so that I could get some breakfast on the way.  I’ll be adding to my Del Inferno collection.

BTW here’s the little calculator I used to quickly calculate the number of days I’ve been alive (used in the subject line): http://www.beatcanvas.com/daysalive.asp


Dawn

Before my eyes had opened this morning I began this day with prayer.  I didn’t know what to say, and I felt like I was talking to myself.  Maybe I was just talking to myself, but I had hopes that God would hear me anyway.  I was reminded of an old poem, that has always been one of my favorites.  This morning I share it with you:

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,
one beloning to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

“Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when I needed you most
you would leave me.”

The Lord replied “My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffereing,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,
it was then that I carried you.”


Abandon

Years ago I was part of a small church.  Very small.  Maybe 20 members.  It was like a family to me.  We would worship together, and I could feel the power of God in the most amazing ways.

Then my heart was broken.  That family abandoned me.  I have not felt God the same way since.

Since then I have found it exceedingly difficult to fit in anywhere.  No church or church-related activity has ever allowed me to feel God the way I did back then.  I’ve never felt welcome in any small groups.  I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere.

Growing up I’ve always been the outcast.  I’ve been the dorky, nerdy kid in class all the other kids would torment and pick on.  I’ve never fit in anywhere.  Those who claimed to be my friends would often take advantage of me and my kindness.  I’ve always been the quiet, humble one, and it has only brought me heartache.

I really feel that God has turned his back on me now.  I feel like I’m that kid in school being picked on by the world, and God is the adult standing nearby that refuses to step in and do anything about it… perhaps waiting for me to stand up for myself or something.  I don’t know.

I say “i feel” a lot, but the truth is, I’m so confused lately, I don’t know what I feel.

A fly just landed on the top of my computer monitor.   That fly probably serves more purpose in this world in the few days it may live than I do with all the years I have wasted.